Losing my job, getting sick, and searching for meaning.
\nWritten at 06:45, 2026-10-20.
On the morning of 18th August, I got invited at short notice into a 1:1 meeting by my manager, which was unusual. I think I knew what was coming, and I was right: The company is restructuring, and I’m being let go (among a lot of other people). I had time until lunch to say my goodbyes to my colleagues as I would be logged out of my account after that. Because I was still in my six-month probation period, I was put on paid leave for two more weeks; after that I’d be out of a job for the first time since I started working roughly 10 years ago.
\nI’ve seen it happen to other people and entire departments, but it had never happened to me — I guess I’m a real tech worker now!
\nShortly after, I got sick. I believe it was a Covid infection; I didn’t have any respiratory symptoms, but low energy, joint pain and general feelings of stiffness. Every move was a show of strength. I developed a cough that is now — 2 months later — still subsiding but present.
\nI’m not sure if it was Covid, but being sick triggered the autoimmune condition I have. I mostly got out of bed, watched shorts, videos and movies, and then I went to bed again. I had to take some trips into the city by bike, and hours later it would hit me like a brick wall, leaving me even more exhausted on the next day. I lost my appetite and some weight, which is not good since I rarely moved and I’m fairly lean to begin with.
\nThis state dragged on for three weeks until I went to see a specialist and got all the blood work and tests done, so that my medication could get adjusted. Being sick for a couple of days is something I can bear, but not being able to perform even the smallest tasks for such a long time was a disheartening experience.
\nI was put on cortisone treatment, which relieved my symptoms immediately. Cortisone essentially lowers your body’s immune response — which is great when your body tries to defend itself against itself, like mine did. On the other hand, cortisone is not meant for long-term or permanent treatment, and it has a lot of potential side effects.
\nAfter one or two days, I was back to my normal self, energised, vital, with no signs of inflammation. I now fully realised that I was out of a job, and had the chance to fill my time meaningfully. Job searching doesn’t take up your 16 waking hours.
\nIn some phases of my life, I can take a giant step back, and look at it like from a bird’s eye view. I’m approaching 30, but how will I live when I’m 40, 50, 60, 70 years of age? Will I be healthy? Will I still pursue my hobbies? Will I have children, or grandchildren even? Who will be close to me? I can’t force my fate, but I can make conscious decisions every day to aid this transition. I felt mindful, present in the moment, and free. Lucid.
\nSo I researched a sleep routine. Cleaned the entire apartment. Discarded useless stuff. Created lists and overviews. Organised. Shopping lists. Meal plans. Jotted down recipes. Fixed broken things. Impulse-bought some personal items for my living room.
\nI addressed tiny things that stuck out to me more than once, like a mark on the wall that I painted over, or re-seasoning my cast-iron pan since it was in a bad state. Every time I looked at these, I felt remorse or the need to do them, but never followed through.
\nI did all of this, and it felt incredible. Focusing on something, and realising it (as in putting it into reality). Self-efficacy. While I can’t vouch for the movie, it surely felt like this scene from Limitless.
\nI didn’t realise right away, but I was feeling strong signs of restlessness. My heart felt like it was racing, even though I wasn’t doing anything exhausting. I couldn’t sit still for an extended time. My mind was jumping from thought to thought. I felt like a wound-up toy, manic. I used this frenzy to tackle all the chores and tasks and projects and minuscule things, and yet I still kind of liked it. 110% productivity.
\nOther side effects I noticed: My face swelled up a bit, making it look more full (which looks good on me tho). My knee joints feel weird. My sleep is basically broken: I go to bed at 23:00–00:00 every day, and try to wake up at 8:00. The routine is there, but falling asleep actually takes some time, and I usually wake up at 5:00 or 6:00, completely awake. Not necessarily fully rested, but not sleepy anymore.
\nRight now, I feel healthy and great. As I’m tapering off the cortisone, the side effects will cease, but all the work I put into improving my daily life will still be there.
\nMaybe this post can inspire you to take a step back from your own life, and assess your priorities. I can rarely get into this mindset, but when I do, it makes me feel serene, in control. Every day life can get to you in so many ways.
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